Better Living Through Science

So, apparently I have Parkinson’s disease, or something like it. The Staggers. Dum Dum Fever. Whipple. No, it RLS. Restless Leg Syndrome. Better yet, restless legs (plural). Of course, in my grandfather’s generation they’d try to run it out of me, or sweat it out of me, or bleed it out of me, or box it out of me. Come tward, boy sos I may cuff you bout the ear. That sort of stuff.

But in the 1990s 2010s, we drug it out of you. So I’m on Requip(tm) and I look like this:

DANG!

Maggie what have we done…

Speaking of Uptight British People

Wash yer bum fer a farthing? You know they would, but they won’t admit it.

And Respectfully,

So is this site where all the naked news anchors hang out? Where all the white women at? Any woman at? Any one?

Now don’t take off all in a huff without saying goodbye. Don’t be like that. Be like this:

 

I Sneeze!

There’s a reason no women are allowed in the Rotary Club. The Rotary Club’r fags.

It’s okay. It’s okay. Most of my prison pals are gay. At least, they sure seemed like it at the time.  They didn’t call it Alcuturass for nothing.

This dog don’t hunt.

I mean it. Stupid dog. Take a look for yourself:

Yup. Won’t. Hunt.

Wanna Hit This Bowl?

Imagine

John Lennon once told me “Righto. Hip hip. Top hole old bean! Your fokkin face is melting”. The song Imagine was written because he liked to do drugs and have sex with Yoko. And when she spilled grape juice on the couch, he would beat her savagely.

Life. Lick It.

As a fond farewell crawls up my throat, I’d like to remind everyone that 2012 is fast approaching. The world will end and failing that, it will just continue to suck until the next predicted apocalypse. So, get out and lick something!

Walk Up and Walk Away

Let’s get serious for a moment people. Chilean miners.

OMG OMG OMG! JOKE ALERT! What a fucking opportunity!

How many Chilean Miners does it take to get global attention? 33! Ha!

What’s the last thing to go through a Chilean Miner’s mind before he dies? ‘Why the fuck was I mining in Chile!’ HA!

Chilean Miners

Chilean Miners

I was going to have some Chilean Sea Bass….

But now… Chilean Miners.

Wanna see one?

psssst. i think he wants to have sex with you. ask him before he falls in a hole.

I’m Not Posting Anything Tonight

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

I’M NOT POSTING ANYTHING TONIGHT

Dogs and animals. I make a lot of money. Superstitions are super. Jelly Beans, eggs, three oz. bird chirping.

This is a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

Blow Up Your House

People are tired of paying real estate taxes. People are tired of paying rent to usurer landlords for crap apartments. Here’s the new wave of economic protest.

Blow Up Your House

Right? That will show them. Then, when your real estate tax bill shows up or your landlord shows up or anyone shows up, you can say, “No, I don’t owe you any money because I blew up my house.” This works with mortgage companies too. Call the mortgage company and tell them, “I have no money to pay you, so in both of our best interests, I’m going to blow up my house with a bunch of dynamite today.” It works with wives. “I can’t mow the lawn, honey, I blew up the house. The lawn mower was in the house and I blew it up with fifteen sticks of dynamite and a bucket of gasoline from your car.”

That’s a Nice Tank Top

Hot chicks are the best. If you see a hot chick wearing a tank top, tell her. “That’s a nice tank top and you look good wearing it. It really shows of those tits.” Unless she has small or ugly tits. Then just stick with the tank top. Stay on point. Repeat the message. Sell the love you have for her. “Sweet tank top. Love it. Time for bed?” If she has a kid with her, slap it.

When Life Gives You Lemons

When life gives you lemons, pick a fight with a nun. Usually, I go for the leg. Grab the ankle, pull towards you, lift and then push. Takedown! Where’s your Jesus now, Princess? Punch her in the sign of the cross. In the name of the father, and of the… Yes. I’m claiming your spot in hell. Why?

Speaking of Real Estate

A good practical joke is to put your house on the market with an uptight real estate agent. Make the agent bust balls to get everything done. Once you’ve gotten an offer, say “Fooled you!” and run away from the agent.

That’s all I have today. I’d give you a picture or a video, but someone will just make fun of me by offering to help me embed it. I’m looking at you, Malach! I am. I have your picture as my desktop. Sexy.

Lung Porn

It’s a Very Special Day

Lung porn is now available. You know that feeling you getbwhen you jerk off? Yeah. Well, when you laugh, it’s like jerking off your lungs. Oh. Oh. )h………zzzzzzzzzzzzz. So, today I am instituting LUNG PORN. Jerk off your lungs, people!

 

Star Wars: Retold (by someone that’s never seen it) – watch more funny videos

 

yes you have to click a link. i told you i suck at this.

It’s Like Going To The Dentist

I spent the evening at the dentist’s office. I was cleaning it. Dirty place. And they keep the broken teeth in the basement

I’m a Terrorist

RAWR! What’s next? Underwear sabotage. Cotton shrinks until America thinks. I’m actually quite serious. Slavery was bad. Cotton was bad. Time to bust out a cotton picking punishment.

This Guy

A total of five people think I am funny. Who has two thumbs and has five people that think he’s funny? This guy. That’s the title of this section. It’s a subtle play on a theme from the last few post. The cool kids get it. I didn’t write it for you. Literati4life.

Did You Know?

People who come up with special names for their kids, like the names that no other kid has, like the names that have funky spellings or are quirky, like Jaydin, Kaydin, Brookelynne, or Fanny. Yeah. Okay. The people who come up with those names secretly hate their kids and would murder them with a plastic bag if they knew 100% certain that no one would send them to jail. Mmmm. Closer.

I Now Own a New Kitchen Knife

Naw. I’m just fucking with you. I still own this. The backyard is filled with bodies and I’m wanted in seven states, including Michigan, home of the WOLVERINES. Go figure.

I figured out that video thing, but now I don’t know what I think is a cool video. Maybe this:

Have a nice fuck.

NEW: What Time Is It?

It’s a new day, but a different blog post. It looks the same, but I don’t know…

I’m Writing a Book

I’m calling it America, Go Fuck Yourself. It’s a self help book, and it’s free, so buy it. Inside, people are made of organs and this book is no different. Organs. We got them. We’re like special monkeys who stopped tossing feces and started strangling each other. It’s gonna be great.

This Guys Has It Rough! But Not Like the Last Guy

So is this site where all the naked news anchors hang out? I’ll find it one of these days. You know I will. You know I will and you’ll be sorry. You know I will, you’ll be sorry and I’ll jerk off. I’ll jerk off! How’s that feel?

Did You Know?

The crazier someone gets, the more sane and right they think they are? I know. I know. The crazier I get the saner I think I am. And I am right, dammit. Just because two sets of condiments don’t want to walk the line doesn’t mean a penny’s not the same. Holler back, please. I’m so alone.

I Now Own a New Condo

Naw. I’m just fucking with you. I still live in this. The backyard is filled with oil, but I’m not rich uncle skeleton yet. I still have a lot of shit to figure out.

I still can’t figure out the video thing, so here’s that kid who hates you:

8/19/10 Nightly Recap

Just like my much prettier brother, I’m doing a nightly sum all of what’s going on in my head.

I’m Writing a Book

I’m calling it Fuck America and it’s about how this country is not about freedom and a dollar and a dream, but about getting laid, cutting people off on the freeway, and bargain goods making us enlightened. I’m going to sell it for $2.13, and refuse to let banres and Noble carry it, because of that punk who tried to tell me Josh Holloway never read Umberto Eco.

This Guys Has It Rough!

So is this site where all the naked news anchors hang out? BTW, I think this site is really catching on. Much better than this one. Normally I don’t make derogatory comments about demographics, but those nerds have little dicks. I’d post some pictures of little nerd dicks, but I guess I’d need an adult filter if I did that and I have no clue how to fucking set up anything on this blog. Shit.

Did You Know?

Lots of search requests give links to porn sites and those sites have viruses, just like hookers. I wanted to know what a ‘fist bump’ was. Now I’m not so sure I want to join that black gang anymore. Speaking of black gangs, I typed that in too just to confirm my suspicions… yeah… I’m not joining. They were mean to that lady.

I Now Own a New Corvette

Naw. I’m just fucking with you. I still drive this. The backseat is filled with junk, but chicks still want to bang me in it. Speaking of banging, I think I’m out of oil again. I can’t keep replacing the engine every month. I’m going broke.

Gay Relatives

Some people are against allowing gays to have relatives. They believe relatives are family and they don’t want gays having any of those! BTW, you can’t catch gay. I’ve tried and he was too fast. Next time I’m bringing gourmet coffee and binaca. I’ll get him. Someday.

I’d love to leave you with a video of the day, but I can’t afford to waste bandwith, so just shake your head while looking and this picture and pretend it’s a video of an earthquake:

I’ll see you tomorrow… seriously. It’s on my calendar.

What? No…

USA. Facebook.

Bunch of freaks writing about their day, swearing and posting cryptic messages about people they hate. Yeah. I’m on Facebook for the LULZ and the social damage I can cause myself. CNN says I should be careful because my employer and my wife might read what I post.

Eight hits of acid later, do you think I can even spell CNN or FIND wife anymore?

No wonder my status is always "Beets frrr dee legless people. I knw that!"

People do that. The thing with the multiple letters, you know. I means you really mean what your saying as oppesed to only half mean it. Unless your lying which is most of the time, right? Am I right folks? Then it means you are lying really well.

I’ll friend anybody. Having more friends is exy. Having less friends is dried out corn shit. I like people to know I’m popular so I have friends contests with my RL friends (that means real life friends). I always win because I lieeee ttto thhemmm. Fukkin hampster friends.

So, I’m going to quit Facebook. I’m not going to quit, I’m just going to say I’m quitting and see how many people get all freaked out and are like, "no. don’t quit." I have a plan for if no one does. Cussing people out. Vulgarity on a public forum is all about forgetting who might never speak to you again in RL.

I bet Michaelangelo wrote cuss words on his statues and then painted them over when the Pope got pissed. There are many artists on Facebook, but most of them are hicks with no talent that I could out art while throwing up from drinking isoproponol. I think that’s how you spell it.

Anyways, enjoy Facebook.